My life in constant edit...

I’ve finished, at least I think I’ve finished… wait, I’m not finished.

I keep telling myself to be done, to stop modifying, to stop changing. But I can’t settle, I can’t find that place where I feel complete. I’m in constant editing mode.

But it’s not just Providence I’ve been editing.

• I have days where I just can’t decide what to wear – pants, a skirt, or a sweater.
• I blow dry my hair straight, then curl it, then pull it up into a clip.
• This week it’s low carb. Next week it’s low fat. The week after it’s Weight Watchers (by the way - I’m about 300,000 points in the hole).

I’d like to think of myself as a relatively happy, content person. I have a wonderful husband (who I certainly don’t tell him this enough). I have amazing children who are loving, full of laughter, and always find ways to make me smile. My family is supportive, my friends are fun, and my day job has small victories that keep me going.

So why can’t I stop editing… everything?

Is it because I’m too much of a perfectionist? Is it because I tend to hold myself to a different, more stringent standard? Is it because I want to be great? Or is it because I’m worried that if I stop editing, stop changing, stop moving, that I won’t be?

In my ‘day-job’ I work with incredibly creative, intelligent people. But sometimes we all hit that spot; the place where we can’t find the perfect idea, the perfect photo, the perfect word. I’m always ready to jump in, help them walk away, to simply stand back and breathe. And when they do that, it’s amazing how everything just snaps into place, an idea materializes, and a direction becomes clear.

Why can’t I do this?

Last week, I told my husband he could read the latest draft of Providence when I finished ‘this round of edits.’ However, I haven’t finished this round because when I reached the end of the novel, I started over again. When I reached the end of the section I wanted to ‘take another whack at,’ I started from the beginning. I’m in a constant editing mode.

So today I stopped.

I saved my latest draft, emailed it to my husband, and let go. Instead of working on my book after the kids went to bed, I booted the computer, opened a blank Word document and wrote this blog entry.

I may be a horrible blogger, but I feel better… and to think, I only edited this three times.

Tawn